Currently I am trying to find everything I can to prolong the amount of time to my departure to start rummaging through the things in the house in Lubbock. Sorting through all of our crap and seperating mine from Matt's so that we can finally get this chapter closed in the book. I'm having a tough time with it. I still believe that Matt and I getting divorced is the best possible decision for us and the kids. That doesn't mean that my heart isn't a little sad that I am now a statistic. I sometimes feel like a failure that I couldn't keep my marriage together. I worry absteout the repercussions on the kids, especially Ava. I have two very intelligent, well adjusted, happy children... but neither of them even begin to understand what's going on.

The move though... oh the move. Everytime I think about the house, I get terribly upset. That was the house that I became a grown up in. I brought my babies home to that house. I made that house a home and now... it's just another house on the street. Sure, Matt still lives there and my kids still go there, but it's not my house anymore. When I walk in the doors today, it will feel like a stranger's home. That is what absolutely breaks my heart. I feel like I'm losing a very significant part of my life and all I'll have to show for it are some boxes and old pictures.

I'll be filing for divorce in the next few weeks. Ideally, nothing will be contested and Matt and I will no longer be legally bound to each other 60 days after the temporary hearing. If it is contested, then there's the final hearing and no telling how long that will take. I hate being in limbo, I hate not knowing the ultimate outcome. I want everything in black and white and I have been floating around in a very very large gray area for awhile.

The kids are doing fabulous. Corbin is walking... not quite ready for marathons yet, but he's taking several steps at a time. I can't believe I'm having to start think about his first birthday... time freakin' flies. He's quite a chunk and continues to amaze me at how different he is from Ava. Ava is my independent strong willed child. Corbin is affectionate and a total love bug. Ava is doing well with school and has become someone I can carry on a conversation, nevermind how random, with. They wear me out... utterly exhaust me, but I don't know what I would do without them.

School is going great. I've done a few haircuts and colors on the side. I'm really enjoying it, so that's good. I started working at a salon in Odessa... just doing peon work, but I like the atmosphere. I've been keeping everything else pretty low key. Went on a little excursion to Alpine, a place in the middle of nowhere West Texas last weekend. It was so relaxing... loved every minute of it.

Things are going all right. Just taking it one step at a time... I'm getting there.

Man, I can't believe all the stuff that's happened since I last wrote. Found out my mom's fiance is having an affair. He's currently working in Guatemala... don't know when/if he's coming back... sheer madness.

Divorce is being post poned until I've lived her six months... establish residency and what not. Matt and I are still getting along amicably.

Went to DFW last weekend to see Erin. It was a wild weekend... straight out of our college days and I think I'm just barely starting to get back to normal. I have never felt more incapacitated after a weekend.

School is going fabulously. I absolutely LOVE color and can do men's haircuts quite well. I keep chopping my hair off and coloring it. I can't help it... I'm addicted. Got a job at a salon on Saturdays and a couple afternoons after school. I'll be doing the grunt work, but at least it's opening a door for me to rent a booth when I get out. Aiming to take my boards before Christmas.

The kids are awesome. Corbin is teething and so he's having his moments where he's a real joy to be around. He took his first step this week... my baby boy isn't such a baby anymore. Ava has adjusted. She's not crying about how unfair everything is and how I am the worst mother ever because I make her brush her teeth and sleep and eat. That's a nice change of pace.

Been on a couple dates with a guy... nothing serious. Just nice being able to talk to someone that's been through all of this divorce crap and knows what it's like to be a single parent. I've told Matt about it... I know how bad the gossip mill is around here and didn't want him to hear about it from someone else. I'm still not brave enough to venture out to Odessa with a member of the opposite sex, so Midland it is.

Overall... life is going pretty good. There's crap going on, but I seem to be looking at things on the upside, which is crazy considering where I was mentally a year ago.

I've been listening to Disarm by Smashing Pumpkins on repeat for the last hour. The lyrics really don't fit anything I can relate to, but the music... it's kind of making some things come to the surface.

Matt took the kids tonight for the weekend. Corbin has been getting sick off and on and can't seem to shake it and I've already missed 4 days of school. I always think it's going to be a huge relief to get a little time to myself, but sometimes, like right now, it just reaffirms that I am by myself.